Forgiveness

Recently I had a dream that I believe will change my life. It was vivid and when I woke up, I began typing out everything I could remember: words that were shared, images, people. Through doing this, I was able to understand its meaning for my life.

In my dream I received a $3000 check in the mail. I went to the bank to cash the check and became impatient while waiting to be served. I was finally able to give it to a teller who called over a few colleagues and they looked at me, gave her input and walked away. She then handed the envelope back to me and shared she could not cash it. She said I had to go and bring ice back with me, that I had to bring my father and to come back tomorrow.

Confused and frustrated, I repeated to her “ice?” Spelling it because it didn’t make sense to me. And My father? Come back tomorrow with all of this? No, I need this check cashed today!  How and why am I supposed to do this? She went on to say, “This check can not be cashed because the contract attached to it states you need to bring ice back and you need your father. Do that and come back tomorrow with them.” I asked her what the contract said and replied: “It’s not just about you and you are not in trouble.” 

Angry, I walked toward the door thinking that I should go to a different bank. The teller had detached the check from the contract and while I could see the check in the envelope, I could not read the context of the contract. I spoke to a young woman toward the back of the bank stating that my father is an alcoholic and that I didn’t know how to get to him.. She looked at me and said, “Mine is too, I can go with you and help you.” I kept walking but noted something very familiar about her. 

As I continued to walk I remembered that  I also needed the maintenance man. I thought to myself what does this all mean and why can’t I just cash this check? I started through the first three floors of what appeared to be my apartment building, hastily looking for a maintenance man, thinking about ice and my father. What does this all mean? 

Frustrated, I decide to make my way to my apartment and pass a door that says 34H. I stared at it and then continued walking in search of my apartment. From a distance I saw a man walking with what appears to be a maintenance uniform on. He looked exhausted. As he tried to walk by I grabbed him and said to him “Are you maintenance? Can you help me? Are you available tomorrow?” He did not speak but in that moment, I was assured that he would help me. My dream ended.

As I awakened in tears, I felt an urgent need to call my father. The last time I saw my him, (six years ago), I made a decision to forgive all that had happened and to try to seek a relationship. I went to his apartment in  New York City, which is several hours away from my home. After talking with me at the door, I pleaded with him to allow me to come in. We talked for less than an hour and he told me he that wanted nothing to do with me nor his grandchildren (whom he did not know). He also shared how much he hated my mother and my grandmother. He went on to curse the womb that held me and said he wanted nothing to do with me. Hurt and angry, I left making a decision to never open that door again.

This past year I have been on a journey of greater self-awareness of who I am in God, and who God is in me. I have been in the process of forgiving and forgave my parents for all the pain but I also forgave myself for the way in which I have been dishonored through rejection and abandonment.

My dream is important because it revealed that while I continue my healing work, I must forgive.  The contract (or promise) cannot fully be mine until I reveal all the ice that exists between me and my father (ice being the unhealed areas of my heart).  I must also tell him that I love him and forgive him.  I believe he needs to hear this for his own healing. I also believe that shame interferes with his desire to reach out to me. 

We often have expectations of our parents. Much of what I experienced is because of self-victimizing, feeling as though my father needed to “fix this” when the work is up to me. The power is within me and my Spirit called me to these experiences so that I can reach my greater purpose. In essence, I chose my parents and the fullness of my purpose is to support them and others in their healing journey. My Spirit knew what needed to happen in my life so that I could manifest the greater purpose of why God created me in his image. 

My dream helped me to better understand that healing is continuous and that by not fully addressing the painful areas, the promise cannot be achieved. The maintenance man assured me that there is nothing that cannot heal through the process of forgiveness. The dream also reminded me of the importance of staying focused on maintaining my spiritual practice (remember I stated that the maintenance man looked exhausted but I was assured that he would help me). I am aware that in this healing work, looking at my prayer, mediation, and spiritual practices require self-discipline and upkeep. The importance of limitless access to all I need within, where God lives. Growing in Spirit and trusting that the answers are within because of who I AM. 

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, it's accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.” Oprah Winfrey

Namaste,

Tanishia Johnson