Dancing Together in the Dark

A friend of mine recently posted a haunting portrait of herself, as a woman who became deeply caught up in a delicate and beautiful romance that ultimately turned sour. I am including the full text of her message here: 

this is the weekend he and I first stole away in my backyard under my oversized, red umbrella on a peach sheet reading books.  His, on leadership, mine, on Project Management. I was studying for the PMP and he was just wanting to be in my space. He, a six-figure software developer with a smooth stroll and voice to boot.  He worked too much. Was stressed. Me, an unemployed, happy-go-lucky-sky's-the-limit girl who hadn't yet realized her worth.

this is the weekend I played hookie from the Atlanta jazz festival to spend hours gazing at his cedarwood skin, his maple colored locs and those deep brown eyes. We slept on the pullout couch and awoke to the sound of birds. This is the weekend he played hookie from spending time with friends and family.  he said he'd rather be with me b/c he found peace in my home.

this is the weekend (the next year) that he decided to do something else with his time and I wasn't invited.  it was ok, b/c I knew he loved me.  He had told me so.  He was just going through manic/depression issues and I would be here like I had be all year. Waiting, supportive.

this is the weekend (the following year) that he married her.  Her.  She who told ME that she no longer liked HE.  She who told ME that she no longer desired to BE with he...he, my love, her ex, my friend/her friend.  It took a year for me to put him back to together and only a few months for her to decide that she still liked him after all. Fancy that.

this is the weekend I died and was reborn.  

this is the weekend I routinely submerse myself in live jazz and funnel cakes to drown out the memory of his smile and how he helped me see my own beauty when all I saw were flaws.  how I used to think I wasn't polished enough or feminine enough for him, b/c well, I wasn't. this is always the weekend that I fight back the tears to remind myself that I am enough. B/c I am.

this is the weekend (fast forward to 2020) that Linked In slapped his beautiful face, freckles, locs and all on my computer screen and asked me "Do you know this person?"  this is the weekend that I responded, "No, apparently I don't know him at all, after all."

this is the weekend that I'll steal away in my backyard, under my red, oversized umbrella, reading books and listening to jazz embracing the warm Memorial Day sun, my femininity, my own beautiful smile and my worth. this will be the weekend I let go.

(or maybe I'll do it next year)?

After reading this heartfelt and vulnerable post, I immediately felt compelled to offer my friend a consolation of sorts. I replied,

“that was beautiful! It might have been worth the pain? Or, to put it another way, perhaps it is better to have loved, lost, and absorbed a poignant life story, than to never have loved at all? It is clear that you have learned how deeply capable of loving you are...and that makes that relationship a gift; one that you have just eloquently shared with us.

My friend’s response was very honest:

“Lorenzo Sanford, that's a lovely and powerful way of looking at it. It was easily the most tender and sweet relationship I have experienced. The best thing that came out of that relationship was the new version of me. The one you see before you. But the truth is that my mind went to a dark and violent place before this version was born. To this day, I have a deep mistrust of men who appear to be upstanding. I still carry rage. So I can't say it was or wasn't worth it. I can say my life thrived only after surviving the worst elements of my mind. Vengeful was I.”

Having traversed this territory quite often in my own life, I felt that I had to convey to my friend that the story is never finished, but it can be appreciated, in the same way a survivor of any tragedy suddenly displays an irrepressible lust for life: 

“Charlette, I’ve been on both sides of the equation. I am the father of two daughters, born two months apart. A lot of pain ensued from those circumstances. And I’ve been crushed in love too, several times. Though I wish I’d been smarter, more emotionally secure and lived with integrity, all of my life, I will unflinchingly honor the time that is has taken me to grow, with infinite gratitude. Just as important though, it is hard to say whether I would have been able to come so far, if I had not had to search so deep and face so many dark days and dark places within myself.”

  My response continued.  “As an aside, I’m currently mentoring a young man who is facing a challenging relationship problem. He loves his woman, but, he’s afraid of committing because he makes so much more money than she does; and while he wants to focus on making more money, she is equally honest about her desire to have a family. He could possibly lose her, because he is looking at all that might go wrong. My counsel to him is this: “Work harder to make the money and to have the life you want. Don’t try force her to change. You don’t need her to be just like you. No one needs to share a life with a replica of themself. Plus, having a good woman partnering with you will be an asset in your quest to make it all happen. Stop thinking about what might go wrong and focus on what will go right. You can do this!”

“Charlette, lord knows I’ve learned the hard way, how to love and cherish and commit to the one I love. More importantly, as I mentioned, I have faced the deepest, darkest places in me and learned to love those too. As you can see from your own painful but enlightening process of self discovery, no matter what it takes to get there..., “Ain’t Nothing Like The Real Thing, Baby!”

Our exchange ended with this gesture of hopeful possibility, which I also offer to all who may be faced with the challenge of understanding and accepting what feels like unearned hurt and pain:

“Here’s to growing up! Here’s to leaving others alone if we are not whole. Here’s to all the living, the cycles, the back and forth dance of growth, it takes, to learn the lessons of self worth, unconditional self love and respect!”

Namaste,